Is it true? Do we all think we are not good enough?

Lily

A few days ago   I came upon an article by Heather Havrilesky about the FX series “Nip/Tuck.”

It starts like this:

“Am I good enough? Pathetic though it may be, this is the haunting question of adulthood. Shouldn’t I be a better parent? Shouldn’t I be more ambitious? Shouldn’t I contribute more meaningfully to society? Shouldn’t my house be a lot cleaner? Shouldn’t I look a lot better? And, most important: How much caffeine will I have to ingest to achieve all of the above?

All of this questioning can make me long for the sociopathic days of my youth, when I cast aside notions of my own responsibilities in favor of questions like: What’s his problem? What’s her point? Why isn’t he in love with me, when I’m obviously delightful? Am I drunker than everyone else here?

Strangely, I still wake up feeling confused and exhausted just as often.

Am I good enough? Obviously not. Where’s the coffee?

Just one word: Plastics”

You can read the rest for yourself, but it goes on to talk about the self-obsessed characters in the show and how they should turn it into a comedy.  She’s very funny!

Something about those first few paragraphs stuck with me though.  Something hooked into my brain, and  I just couldn’t stop thinking about that.

Are those really the questions we ask ourselves as adults?

Were those other questions really the ones we asked ourselves when we were in our twenties?

I’m sad to say that I think she is on to something.  So many of us are so sad and worried.   Most of us do not think we are good enough.

So I started wondering how many of us actually realize we feel this way.  Are we so used to the constant anxiety that we don’t even notice that we feel bad?  We simply think we are just trying to get by and do the best we can.  We blame our lousy luck on our continued unhappiness, and we think this is how it feels to be an adult.

Yet, how we feel really is up to us.  We may not know exactly how to feel better all the time, but simple self-acceptance can go a long way.

Start by noticing your internal dialogue.  Are you fearful of not being good enough?  Accept the fear, but then ask yourself if it is possible that you are good enough.  Is it possible that your house does not have to be cleaner, your children do not have to be better behaved, or your face is perfectly fine without the $200 wrinkle cream?  Is it possible?

I think it is.  How about you?

The Story of Stuff

A great 20-minute film on some of the reasons we are so unhappy.  Enjoy The Story of Stuff!

What we may be missing everyday

Take a moment to look around your life today…you never know what you might miss.

Patience Grasshopper – Tips on Cultivating Patience in a Hectic World

My daughter and me

I am the busy mother of a soon to be 4-year-old and a soon to be 9-year-old.  Needless to say, patience has not always been easy for me to cultivate.  However, I do have an abundance of opportunities to work on my skills.

Most recently, I have been trying to detach and just notice how my emotions ebb and flow.  Shockingly enough, there seems to be a correlation between utter exhaustion, frustration and an unhappy, yelling momma.

So, I’ve developed a mini-system for increasing the amount of patience in my life, and it seems to be turning the tide pretty well.  I share this with you in hopes that it will help you create at least a little more space for patience in your own life!

First, take care of yourself to avoid exhaustion by:

1. Drinking more water than you think you should or possibly have time for.  Find the amount of water you should be drinking each day by dividing your current weight by 2.  That number is the amount in ounces you should be drinking each day to stay at optimum health.  Divide this number by the ounces in your favorite glass for an easier tracking system.
2. Taking a nap when you are tired when possible regardless of whether or not there is laundry to do.
3. Stop drinking or cutting down on hard alcohol.  It tends to affect our mood badly way more as we age.
4. No caffeine of any kind after 4 p.m. except chocolate. Helps you fall asleep much easier when it is time.
5. Eating as healthy as you can and trying to chew much slower.

Secondly, breathe.

1. Find 2 moments a day to breathe deeply for a few minutes.  5 count in, 5 count out.  5 times. This can be done while making coffee, while riding an elevator, while filling bathwater, while folding clothes, or while washing your face at night.  When it becomes easy to do for 5 counts, increase to 10.
2. When you feel your heart start to race and panic coming upon you, stop and slow down your breathing.  Ask your angels to help you through the situation with ease and grace.  Trust that you can handle even this.
3. Right before you go to bed, take a moment to slow down your breathing and go over the good parts of your day.

Finally, practice patience and forgive everyone – especially yourself.

1. When you catch yourself getting ready to yell at the kiddos, spouse, or the boss, try to shift your attention to the opportunity you have right now to practice your growing patience skills.  Thank God and/or the universe for giving you practice.  Breathe and ask yourself:
   1. Will yelling help the situation?
   2. What would your favorite spiritual teacher do?
   3. Will this matter in a month?
   4. How can you still address the problem without yelling?
2. If you break down and yell anyway, don’t beat yourself up about it.  Be honest and tell the person or child that you are sorry.  Tell them you are working on being more patient and that you love and/or respect them.  Remember that it takes a lot of practice and no one is perfect.  Be gentle with yourself, because if you won’t, no one else will either.
3. Stop comparing your life to others.  This is a huge help with frustration in general.  When we silently or out loud are envious of others, it is actually a judgment of our own life as bad.  This is never good for your energy or karma.  Besides, chances are pretty good that they are probably comparing their life to someone with more money and feeling bad about where they are, and someone is probably comparing their life to yours…and on and on it goes.  For more about this read my Nick and Jessica article.
4. Forgive everyone!  When other people drive you crazy, see it as a result of their own pain and disconnection from their heart.  Does that make sense?  Okay, so say someone writes a snarky comment on your Facebook status or says something rude to you.  Normally, we would start to feel defensive and frustrated.  However, when we see their actions as reflections of their pain, not as true, it is easier to forgive them.  And truly, that is where all the nastiness in the world comes from.  What we say about others reflects how we judge ourselves.  That is why so many teachers say not to gossip…even though sometimes it seems like a bit of harmless fun.  Yet, when we see other people’s nastiness as a reflection of their own pain, we don’t take it on.  We stay in our own light, and we forgive them.  Life gets much better – trust me!!
5. Come back to earth.  Seriously, just imagine your heart and mind coming back to your body from whatever stressful situation you are/were dealing with.  Breathe deeply to get it to come back.
6. Lastly, look for the good in the situation.  If it is hard, start with being grateful that you are alive.  Feel grateful that you have a chair to sit on. Go from there and really feel into it the best you can.

The more patience you have in your life, the more accepting you become.  When you are more accepting of yourself, you become more accepting of others.  Then, it becomes easier to feel love throughout your day.  The more love you feel in your own life, the happier you become.

Simple as that!

None of this happens overnight or anything.  Yet, each day is an opportunity to grow a little more and experience a little more of this wild and precious life.

Much love to you on your journey!

Amazing Feel Good Movie about Gratitude

I have to share this movie with you.   It starts a bit slow, but is the best 11 minutes ever!  If you have 11 minutes and you want to feel better, take a look!

What do to with the kids this summer??? Is a TV diet too difficult?

Children Painting

Summer is here!  Hooray!  More quality time with your kids!!

We start out with such good summer intentions.  We’ll go to the park, to the pool, to a different park, to a different pool.  And then…exhaustion sets in.  It is so easy to just turn on the television and let it entertain the kids to create a moment of peace for momma.  Trust me, I know!

Then, a few weeks ago, I learned that watching a lot of television actually changes the way a child’s brain develops.

Arg!  I hate it when pesky scientific research challenges me to change parts of my parenting that makes my own life easier.  Darn it!

I’m not trying to be preachy.  I really do understand how difficult and soul draining it can be for parents to try and entertain their children for hours and hours.

What I learned recently is that the less time children spend watching a screen, the more they learn how to create entertainment for themselves.  So, if a child watches a lot of television, their brain develops to be entertained and it becomes difficult for the child to think of something to do besides watching more television.  The less television and screen time children watch, the more their brain develops ways to entertain themselves.

I mean it makes sense, but is it practical in this day and age?
Aren’t we creating socially isolated kids if we refuse to let them watch television?
Don’t they need computer skills to be up to speed in today’s world?

Good points, but besides the brain function problem, studies show that the more television kids watch, the more anxiety they have about themselves.  This does not mean that TV watching causes anxiety.  This is a correlation not causation relationship according to the studies.

Still, I have noticed that after a movie or TV day, my kids really do seem pretty exhausted and extra crabby…like their brains are not working very well.

So, my hubbie and I decided to try a TV diet of 10 hours per week.  This was a drastic reduction for my kids as I never worried too much about the amount.  I was happy as long as they were watching PBS or Noggin as I am a believer in commercial-free programming.  So we explained what we were going to do to our 8-year-old daughter.   She was, of course, totally bummed.  We decided not to say anything to our 3-year-old son and just see what happened.

It was so crazy – they were fine!  I have to tell you, since we started the screen time limits, both children are happier, better behaved, and playing creatively like I have never seen them do before.

I find it pretty interesting that their behavior does not bug me like it used to.  A lot of the whininess has ceased.  Life is much better!

Interested in trying it yourself?

There is a transition between letting the kids be entertained and creating an environment where they learn how to entertain themselves, so I thought I would share some ideas.

Here is a list of some ideas on how to make the TV diet as painless as possible for kiddos and parents alike:

1. Create a schedule and place it your fridge.  Write down outside time, craft time, play-dough time, snack time, computer time and free play.  Kids of this age thrive on schedules!  Feel free to bend as much as needed, of course.  You know your children best.  Yet, this can help create a structured understanding and predictability in their world.  Children build confidence when they know what to expect.
2. Start slowly with a television diet.  Figure out how many hours your children are watching a week and cut it down by 10% the first week.  See if they even notice.  Keep cutting it down 10% more every few weeks.  Weaning off slowly should be easier than cutting down drastically.  Help your kids pick out their favorite shows.  Write them down on the schedule to avoid any heartbreak.
3. Head outside when at all possible.  Go to the park when you can.  I have a friend who has Picnic Park Tuesdays all summer long.  She packs a picnic in the morning and every week her and her kids go looking for a new park.
4. Take a walk around the block and talk about what you see.  Use this together time activity to nurture whatever stage of development your kids are at.  For instance, saying “bird” is perfect for a 2-year old while “Blue-Jay” is better for a 4-year-old and “How many feet up do you think that branch is?” would work best for a 10-year-old.
5. If there is a certain time of day where the children are used to watching television while you do some work that needs to be done, consider making it craft time instead.  I am always shocked at how happy my children become when given plain paper and markers or scissors and old magazines.
6. Suggest that your kids play music when they are having quite room time play.
7. Give them chores.  Both of my kids LOVE to wash the windows, and I do let them since I only a non-toxic spray and rags.  They love it, and every once and a while the windows actually get clean.
8. Combine outdoor time, walking time and craft time.  Get a bucket, walk around outside, and collect nature items.  Come in, sit around the table, and make collages.  I have never had a child be unhappy when given a bottle of glue either.
9. Go to the library and ask a librarian to help you find a wonderful children’s book along with an audio recording so the kids and can read and listen at the same time.
10. Let you children help you prepare meals or set the table.
11. Let your children help you with the dishes.
12. Check out home-schooling resources on the web to see what parents do with their kids.  Many of these people do not use television, and there are a myriad of activity ideas out there.

Here are some other great links for good screen free activities:

Nature Crafts
Recycled Art Projects

A few good links for great, educational online kids activities:  (just be sure to limit their screen time)

Sheppard Software Kids Corner
National Geographic Geography Games
Thinkzone

Sit back, enjoy your kids, and watch them bloom!

Click here for a pdf of this post.

Let Go and Flow – House Sparrow Confessions

Today I am working on letting go.

I’ve been working at my kitchen table today so I can chase away the house sparrows as they try to kick my little wren out of its birdhouse…my birdhouse.  I am keeping diligent watch – looking up from my work – not getting much done – but holding on tightly to the wren’s right to live in our yard.

You see…house sparrows are bad birds.  They are invasive, aggressive and kill native birds.  Often building their nests on top of the corpses of the birds they have eliminated – not good energy for my yard.  I wish we didn’t have any house sparrows.

So, I have a dilemma.  Relax and let nature take its course or fight the house sparrows.  Which is the right path for one, such as myself, who tries to let life lead her – relax – and just go with the flow.   Hmmm…

I’ve pondered doing a meditation to the spirit of the house sparrow and asking it to leave – but something about that isn’t really my bag – a bit too out there.  I’ve thought about giving lots of love to the wren and empowering him to fight back.  I’ve thought about letting it just play out, and if the house sparrows succeed in kicking the wren out, just removing the birdhouse this year.

I think that is probably what I will end up doing – just letting go of trying to prevent the house sparrow from chasing away the wren.  Yet, making sure I do not provide a habitat for the invasive house sparrow beyond what is natural.  At this moment, that seems the flowiest of my options.

Why is it so hard then?  I am totally rooting for that little wren!   I want him to chase those nasty house sparrows away!  Why is it so hard to let go of my own wishes in this situation?

I’m pretty sure it is because I am human.  We are tenacious – we hold on – it is what we have done for a long time to survive.  However, we are not in survival situations very often anymore.

Let go and flow sounds so good – but it can be so difficult.

Sometimes I need to ask for help.  Sometimes I need to touch spirit in silent meditation in order to gain perspective on something that is really bugging me…or when I am fighting with all I have to hold on and control a situation.

Sometimes I can do it – sometimes I still struggle.  Yet, I find peace in silence.

Today I attached a sparrow spooker to my birdhouse.  The sparrows are gone – the wren is happily chirping and building its nest – I am happy.  Yet, I know I still have work to do.

Gardening for Mental Health in Recessionary Times

It is time to resurrect the Victory Garden! 

Victory gardens were vegetable, fruit and herb gardens planted in backyards during WWI and WWII to reduce the pressure on the public food supply brought on by the war effort.  Gardeners also were empowered by their contribution of labor for the war and rewarded by their own harvest.  These gardens were embraced and very much became a part of daily life at home.

How perfect is this for what we are going through right now with our economy?  It’s not that often when a solution presents itself that helps on so many levels.

It’s easy too:
1.    Plant a garden
2.    Care for your seeds and plants.
3.    Remember, just as you nurture these plants with time, effort, patience and love…so too can you nurture your own dreams.
4.    If you feel a compelling need to open your investment statements, (not recommended for ideal and happy living at this particular moment) – go out into the garden and pull some weeds thus reducing any stress that might arise from investment statement viewing.  Or shred them and put them in your compost bin – it will make them useful.  Or, if you are feeling more one with the earth, set an intention that as your garden grows, so do your investments!  (Hey – we’re only human – don’t feel too bad if you want to peek!)
5.    Harvest food from your garden, thus saving money, carbon dioxide and making an empowering contribution to the world.
6.    Practice mindful eating – remember to connect with the soil, the plant, the sun, the rain and your own effort when thanking the universe for this miracle tomato, basil leaf, strawberry etc.

A simple Victory Garden helps us live greener, connect with the earth and ourselves more deeply, nurture patience and feel empowered to help the world in our own way…while saving money as a super cool bonus!

Happy Gardening!

If you cannot garden for whatever reason – don’t be too hard on yourself – visit Local Harvest to find local farmers you can support!

Feng Shui Abundance Quick Tip

Feeling a bit crappy about finances are we?

Yeh – me too – but what is there to do really?

Well – we can focus on good things in our life besides money.  (Highly recommended  for optimum happiness)  We can work to live within in our means and pay down debt.  (Excellent plan as well)  And, we can employ the power of Feng Shui and enhance the Abundance energy of our home.   (Always worth a shot – right?)

Here is a super easy Abundance Feng Shui Quick Tip!

Plant an evergreen shrub outside the back left corner of your home.  This is a fantastic Abundance juicer as it enhances the Wood Element all year long.  Flowers are wonderful here as well – especially as summer approaches.  For optimum landscape Feng Shui – mix evergreens and flowers you love.

Pay attention to the needs of the plants – check the sunlight and soil needs first as you want to set them up for healthy living.  Also, try to find varieties native to your area if possible.

If you live an apartment of cannot find the perfect shrub for your situation – a vibrant, green houseplant of any variety will work just as well inside your home in this corner!  Additionally, many annual flowers designed for outside planting grow beautifully in containers.   If it feels good, be creative and grow plants in funky containers.  Your energy rises anytime you can create beauty, and even more when you do it in unexpected ways.

As you place your Abundance plants, say to yourself, “I enhance the Abundance of my home with this plant.  I will pay attention and care for this living plant as I do so with my finances as well.  I am open to receive abundance in all areas of my life.”

The thing about gratitude

Hot cup of coffee

I am in the middle of a self-imposed Facebook status gratitude challenge. For the past 10 days, I have been getting up in the morning and thinking about what I am grateful for – not to sound like a Zen monk or new-age weirdo – but because it is hard and I am trying to grow.

I decided to use Facebook for this process because it is such a nice blend of public and private. It is just a little scary to be weird and thinking about gratitude where my family, friends, neighbors, colleagues and old school buddies can see what I am doing. It would be safer and not as scary to just try to be honest and observationally funny. Here’s the deal though, when we stay in our comfort zone we don’t grow. I want to grow – so here I am. My soul is stripped just a little more bare, and I am talking about what is great in my life.

I have come to realize that complaining about life is just too easy. Don’t believe me?

Do this with me for a second, think about what sucks about your life right now. How many things pop out of you head? Now, think about what is great in life right now – in this moment. How many can you think of?

I hope you have more items in your great list, but if not – don’t despair – you are not alone. Turn on the news, look at your last investment statements, or feel bad about not having investments. Feel like crap now? Me too!! That was easy.

You know, I really sense that so much of our outlook on our own life experiences, as well as the general human consciousness, tend to be bounded in fear. Feelings like fear of the future, fear of being broke, fear of death, fear of failure just to name a few are shared by many of us. The truth is, fear is not something bad in itself (shout out to my man FDR), it’s a compelling force in our life and it makes us human. Fear and our body’s stress response to it can actually make us more productive and more inventive. Sadly though, these feelings also sell products. If I am scared of aging and being ugly, I better buy that good skin cream and make-up. If I am scared of being fat and unaccepted, I better buy those diet pills, shakes, and cellulite cream. Sigh. Making your customers afraid of x so they will buy y is such an effective marketing technique, it is no wonder there are so many fear messages we see every day. It is no wonder that “I’m afraid of…” becomes the way we think of life.

If it is so easy to feel bad, then how can we feel good? Well, for me it is really about gratitude and finding what is wonderful about my life – right now – in this moment. A hot cup of coffee, clean drinking water, a cold beer, a full tummy, a warm blanket, a child’s hug. When we can see it, there is a lot of wonder in this moment. This exercise tends to stretch the brain a bit – you can look on my Facebook profile and see when I was kind of pulling at straws to find something good. Yet, when you do it every day, for 30 days, all research indicates you will create a habit. You will actively change your brain functioning to look for the good in life more than you used to. Sound good? It’s on! I challenge you to do it too – because it feels so much better to look for the good instead of focusing on the crap. There are more spiritual benefits regarding gratitude as well – but this is enough for now.

Have a great weekend!